Bong Away at Someone You Love

   Today we’re going to talk about Bongers.

   What are Bongers, you may well ask. Bongers are traditional Japanese massage tools that are good for breaking down muscle tension, stimulating circulation and killing sushi.

   They are made by a man named Don Strachan, cost less than $20, are available by mail and look either like a rubber ball attached to a  metal tongue depressor set into a jump-rope handle or a heavy set of deely-bobbers.  

  Essentially, you use Bongers as if you were playing the xylophone on a person’s body. Warning: Do not Bong anyone in the kidneys! (Your kidneys are at waist level more or less under your arms, but more rear than forward.) The vibrating metal tongue depressor does the real work. So the Bongee gets an invigorating Shiatsu-type massage while the Bonger doesn’t get tired out.

   It takes about five seconds to learn how to Bong: children about age 3 can learn how to Bong in five minutes. Practice will improve your rhythm, but rhythm isn’t actually important.

   Bonging is not an exercise, mind you, and probably will never be recognized by either the Olympic Committee or Elizabeth Arden.

   Bongers are a relatively inexpensive way to have fun and to give a friend (or even yourself) a break from tight muscles. While a massage costs less (if you practice it yourself), it’s not easy to perform on strangers, mere acquaintances or office chums and you certainly can’t have a massage with your clothes on. But you can Bong while dressed.

   In fact, keeping a set of Bongers in the office to relieve shoulder and neck pain after scrunching over a desk for several hours is a really good idea.

   Bongers are available in health food stores or through mail order. Write to Don Strachan, POB 066, Middletown CA 95461 for more information.

   The beating implement we especially like is called

“Bongers.”  It’s a pair of small rubber balls set on flexible metal 

shafts with wooden handles. The idea is to beat your own or a 

partner’s back (carefully avoiding the kidneys) so as to break down

muscle tension and stir up circulation. The package copy represents 

Bongers as “ancient Oriental massage tools,” but they neither

require nor impart any special knowledge of the East. No one I’ve 

tried them on has responded with less than a universally understood 

grunt of pleasure. They can be used anywhere on the body; what 

they do to the soles of tired feet is worth the price of a set.

Bongers come with cartoon instructions, and printed on each shaft

 are cartoon health claims: “Put oomph in sluggish blood. Smash

evil cellulite (a beauty problem unknown in the heyday of Dr.

 Scholl). Give your/your partner’s body paroxysms of unbridled

ecstasy.” This hopeful list generally inspires hoots of unbridled 

laughter--another ancient Oriental technique for dealing with

sluggish blood.